Good day chaps. Now, I won’t lie, I’m not going to try to relate to the youth of today or pretend I’m down with the lingo. I do not know what a Fortnite is and I can’t get to grips with this Facebook malarkey, either. I have tried to add my cousin Barbara as a friend 5 times. I do not understand what I’m doing wrong.
Anyhow, despite my pitiful flaws, I am aware of some of the crap that kids spread at school these days. So today, chaps, we’re going to talk about some of the foolish misunderstandings surrounding sex, protection and sexual health.
“If you get an STI, nobody will want to have sex with you ever again”
STIs are surprisingly common. Sorry to say it chaps, but if you’re sexually active, it’s more likely than not that you’re going to get one at some point or another. Yet, people can be incredibly judgemental with this issue. These myths spread stigma and shame. Contracting an STD doesn’t make you a dirty or irresponsible person. Your dear aunt Nelly could have an STD. Rocket scientists can get STDs.
Don’t worry. If you do contract one of these wretched diseases, this isn’t the end of the line for you and your penis. STDs can be treated and most of the time completely cured.
“It’s safer to use 2 condoms”
Should you double-up for extra protection? You don’t want a wee fella popping out of there?
No, stick to the one. Condoms are actually more likely to break if you use two.
“Condoms ruin sex”
Condoms can actually make you last longer, which is good news for you and for the Mrs.
Wear a condom and you might be able to help not blowing your load after 30 seconds.
“You can’t get an STD from oral sex”
This one’s a classic. The truth is that if you are exposed to an infected partner, you can get an STD in the mouth, throat, genitals, or rectum.
The surest way you can avoid contracting an infection is using a condom.
Condoms decrease the risk of infection, but you can still get some STDs, like herpes, from contact with your partner’s skin. So, go to a walk-in centre and check your chap.
“You can’t get pregnant if you do it in the pool” or “You can’t get pregnant on top”
Lads, this is false, and I found out the hard way. Don’t make the same mistakes as Chappie. Oh, the memories… Tenerife of ’74. Changed my life, that holiday did…
The fact is that it doesn’t matter what position or circumstance, if you have unprotected intercourse then you risk expecting a baby, or worse, contracting a Sexually Transmitted Disease.
You can get condoms from Health Clinics, some GPs, and further education colleges. They are also available in supermarkets, but it’s a bloody rip off. I suppose the excessive price of condoms in supermarkets could be seen as some kind of sick punishment for leaving it until the last minute to get them. Shaking my head.
Whatever you do, don’t leave it until the last minute. Johnny machines are few and far between, take it from me.
The pull-out method
This method is used when the male pulls out just before he orgasms to avoid ejaculating inside of the woman, thus not getting her pregnant. All sounds well and good, but this method is only effective some of the time. And yes, it’s possible to get a STI even if the male does successfully avoid spaffing inside. STDs can indeed be transmitted through semen, though mere contact can also lead to spreading disease.
“It was just pre-cum”
You know when you open a ketchup bottle and that horrid watery bit squirts out before the real juice? Is that functional ketchup? Is it going to compliment your bowl of chips? No, it’s worthless. Human pre-cum (or pre-ejaculation), on the other hand, well that stuff works. It carries sperm and can make a baby. So, it’s important you don’t confuse the two.
Besides that, pre-cum can carry sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. Using contraception any time you have sex is the only way you can be sure that you or your partner will not get pregnant, or contract an STD.
“Only gay people can get HIV”
Many believe that HIV is still primarily rife in homosexual males. HIV can affect everyone regardless of whether they are gay. Heterosexual people are actually more at risk to the disease, since gay people are more likely to get tested.
The Blue Waffle
Back in 2010, a deceptive “meme” circulated online. It’s content: Blue Waffle disease – a fictional STD that made parts of the woman’s vulva (literally) blue. It does not exist.