If you’re feeling blue this week and you happen to find a lady or a chap to help you make the metaphorical ‘beast with two backs’, colloquially known as S-E-X, make sure you wear a prophylactic, colloquially known as a ‘Rubber Johnny’ A.K.A. a condom.
I have heard some disturbing noises coming from the King’s Fund. No, not those types of noises, you mucky young pup.
The King’s Fund, a health charity and think tank, has reported that attempts to promote safe sex amongst the fellows most at risk are failing due to the government’s cuts in public health funding. “At-risk of what?” I hear you shout.
Well, at risk of acquiring the Clap (Gonorrhea), the Clam (Chlamydia), the Crab (Pubic Lice), the Bug (HIV), the Pox (Syphilis), the Gift That Keeps on Giving (Herpes) and all the other nasties. The at-risk group includes young whippersnappers and lads who enjoy the company of other lads.
Now, as you know, I am not one to get involved in politics. There was that one time I stood for parliament but after the unfortunate incident at the hustings where I was forced to strike a lairy roister-doister across his braggart’s face with my glove and the ensuing duel after which I skipped the country for a while.
Anyway, moving swiftly on. The cuts made by the government to local councils’ public health grants are a dunderheaded move if ever I have seen one.
The budgets pay for initiatives that encourage horny rapscallions to wrap their chaps up before fornication and you usually see these in further and higher education establishments, drinking establishments and shopping…establishments. The problem is that these services are not protected.
Councils have no legal obligation to provide services that hold a primarily preventative agenda and promote safe S-E-X and those are usually the first to go as they prioritise more obvious and popular services.
Experts are warning of an explosion in venereal diseases, as we called them back in the day, as well as unwanted pregnancies due to a lack of access to contraception plus many other unforeseen consequences.
The Clap and the Pox are on the rise and access to services is becoming more difficult to obtain. I’ve heard on the grapevine that the services that local councils are legally obliged to provide are being underfunded and swizzled around so they are becoming more difficult to visit and I’ve heard stories of ladies and gents being turned away. Where is a chap with a leaking faucet going to go to get it checked?
Another controversial storm brewing is the fact that the NHS is eyeing up a takeover of public health service commissioning, which includes sexual health. The switch came in 2012 and the NHS is obviously keen to take back control of it.
The move has been called a ‘land grab’, so imagine pistols-at-dawn. I’m speaking metaphorically, of course, not referring to a drunken, post-hustings gunfight that caused me to abscond and take on the alias of Raoul Fandangoni for a few crazy, crazy years.