You noticed it for the first time on Tuesday. You got ready for the day ahead and thought nothing more of it. But you can’t stop thinking about it. Your tight jeans are irritating it, that blasted thing. It becomes an it. What is it?
Invasive thoughts scream ‘Sexually Transmitted Disease!’. You get home, unzip the jeans and exclaim a near orgasmic sound of relief. You’re next to the toilet, bending over awkwardly. Looking down at that itchy bit in your groin area, you’re trying to get a good look at it, whatever it is. You’re not a professional, so no matter how good a view you get, it’s useless. You look silly, chap, your body contorted in the mustard glare of the bathroom. And that’s what you’re worried about, isn’t it, looking silly, if people find out you’ve got the clap? But not as silly as you’ll be if you don’t check your chap.
Googling your symptoms.
Maybe you do some digging online. What you read doesn’t sound good, does it? But then again, whenever you Google a health issue it doesn’t sound good. You Google anything – a numb pain in your arm and you’ve got a tumour, a tight discomfort in your chest and you’re having a heart attack – it always envisions the worst, man. It can get your head in a right pickle. So, you try to ignore it, but it doesn’t ignore you. You tell yourself that you’re fine, that the rash in your pubic region is just an ingrown hair, that the lump on your balls is just a cyst. So, you put on your comfy pyjamas and try to forget about it. Well let me tell you, chap, that’s no good!
More often than not it’s nothing to worry about, but the only way you can know is by booking an appointment with your GP. If that’s what you’re worried about then think about all the willies that doctors have seen – micro and macro, shrivelled and pretzel-like – they’ve seen things out of a Cronenberg movie in that office, I’m telling you!
Jokes aside… anxiety is debilitating.
Anxiety is debilitating. It’s normal to focus on the stigma and shame around STIs. You might experience physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, or your head might throb with nausea and fatigue. You might have trouble focusing, become confused or irritable. You might turn to booze. Oh, if I had a pound for every time I turned to the bottle after contracting a sexually transmitted infection, I’d have… 5 or 6 pounds.
No symptoms, but you have reason to think you might have contracted an STD.
Remember that STDs can be completely symptomless. Most people who have herpes experience no symptoms. So, if you’ve been flapping your chap no-wrap, it’s no good just to look for sores because they may or may not be there.
What we don’t want to talk about when we talk to our partner.
Maybe you’ve been sleeping with the Mrs for several months. You don’t want to tell her you think you might have something. You’re worried you’ve given it to her, or that she’s given it to you. It’s hard to bring up. She might get offended and be mad, and you really could do without that. But get it out of the way. Have that chat. If she does get mad, then I assure you chap, she’ll understand later. Diseases can be treated and, most of the time, completely cured using antibiotics.
If you’ve both been tested, you know you’re both exclusive to each other and you’re clean, then bravo, go at it as you please. But if that’s not the case, then the only way to be sure that you don’t catch anything is to wrap the chap. When I was a bit younger, I lived the bachelor’s life, or at least I thought I did. Now I’m a wise old guru. On reflection, I was just sticking it in anything that I could find. So, in conclusion, lads, get it sorted.